


depression

by Rethira



Category: Tokyo Babylon
Genre: Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2015-06-08
Packaged: 2018-04-03 11:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4099174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rethira/pseuds/Rethira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seishirou watches him, and Subaru tries to feel anything at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	depression

Subaru cannot be angry with Seishirou. He tries, sometimes, when Seishirou pushes too far – and he pushes too far frequently – but the anger drains away faster than Subaru can build it up. He’s left feeling hollow in the aftermath, scooped out and empty and useless, so Subaru doesn’t bother with anger anymore.

Subaru likes to think it stymies Seishirou a little, but in all honesty it probably doesn’t matter to him.

Instead of anger, Subaru just feels... resigned. Disappointed sometimes, but... not angry.

It’s hard to be angry when there’s no fight left in him.

 

The first time Subaru’s sure that Seishirou realises the change is while they’re in bed together.

Subaru has never been particularly active, and Seishirou has never seemed to want that, but today Seishirou is... he’s _trying_ to provoke Subaru. Not with his words, but his actions.

He’s being kinder than usual. Gentle. Even loving, and usually, _usually_ Subaru would- would react somehow, would protest and complain because this, this _isn’t_ Seishirou and Subaru-

Subaru wants to feel angry, wants to say he hates anything Seishirou does, but....

Seishirou presses another too soft kiss to Subaru’s throat, and Subaru lets him.

 

Afterwards, Seishirou stares down at him thoughtfully. He doesn’t ask if anything was wrong. He doesn’t say a word.

 

Subaru is often quiet. He goes days without speaking sometimes. He is... he’s never been loud, but the silence was never oppressive before. There was always Hokuto to fill it.

Seishirou comes home with blood on his hands and clothes; it drips on the floor. He goes to the bathroom without being asked, and passes his bloodied clothes out to Subaru.

Subaru puts them in the washing machine and goes to scrub the blood off the floor.

When he looks up, Seishirou is watching him again.

Subaru doesn’t say a word the rest of the night.

 

Seishirou dislikes many of the jobs Subaru takes. He believes that Subaru shouldn’t waste his time on easier jobs, or on false leads, or on anything that doesn’t pay well enough.

Before, Subaru would fight Seishirou over the jobs. Seishirou would hide messages or decline on Subaru’s behalf, and it made Subaru angry and upset and sick, until he wanted to just-

But those are all things Subaru doesn’t feel anymore.

He has all his jobs sent to his grandmother; she has better discretion than Seishirou, and will see that they all get done, even if it’s not specifically by him. It’s better than allowing direct calls, and in any case, Seishirou prefers a more private phone number.

Subaru dislikes every job Seishirou takes.

He used to fight with Seishirou over that, or try to fight with him. Whenever Seishirou did go, Subaru would do his best to ignore him afterwards. It never did any good. Seishirou knew more than enough ways to recapture Subaru’s attention.

He comes home from a job and Subaru says, “I made dinner,” and they eat together in silence.

Seishirou watches him, and Subaru tries to feel anything at all.

 

One day, Seishirou pauses in his reading, eyes catching on Subaru’s face. He looks almost concerned for a moment, before it fades into neutrality.

“You’re crying,” he comments.

Subaru touches his cheek. It’s wet with tears. “Oh,” he says.

 

It’s hard to care.

 

Subaru is awake. He suspects Seishirou is too, even though he looks asleep.

He looks different when he’s sleeping. Subaru liked looking at Seishirou’s sleeping face.

If there’s one thing he remembers, one thing he hangs onto, it is this: he loved Seishirou.

He might not feel it right now, but Subaru remembers. He loved Seishirou.

 

He has never hurt Seishirou before. But today, Seishirou asks, “Do you still love me?”

“No,” Subaru replies, because a memory of love is not the same as love.

Subaru can’t look at Seishirou’s face afterwards, but the silence says enough.

Later, Seishirou doesn’t touch him.

 

They live together. Seishirou goes out for work. Subaru goes out for work. They take turns to cook. They share a bed. Sometimes, Seishirou fucks Subaru in it – he doesn’t bother with being kind or gentle anymore, and Subaru can’t find it in himself to complain.

Sometimes, his grandmother says he should see someone about... this. She’s afraid to say the name. She talks around it, like it’s an inconvenience, and maybe it is.

Or maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.

Seishirou can’t hurt Subaru if Subaru can’t be hurt, after all.

 

There’s always physical pain, of course. Seishirou’s never been above using that for his own ends, so Subaru’s half expecting it when Seishirou bites him. He flinches, because it hurts, and then offers himself up for more. Seishirou bites again, at the crook of Subaru’s shoulder, and then up Subaru’s neck. Some bites are harder than others, and each feels like a little starburst of pain and makes Subaru shudder.

Seishirou looks almost satisfied when he’s done, at least until Subaru offers out his arm and says, “You can hurt me more if you want.”

That wipes the satisfaction from Seishirou’s face. “You’re not a masochist, are you, Subaru-kun?” he asks.

Subaru shrugs.

Seishirou doesn’t hurt him again.

 

Seishirou moves out for a while. When he comes back, he asks, “Do you want to die?” There’s an odd expression on his face when he says it, like he’s swallowed something unpleasant.

Subaru hasn’t really thought about it. For years he’s wanted to be killed by Seishirou, and even now that- that hasn’t changed. But that’s completely different from wanting to die. They’re separate, even if it wouldn’t be obvious to someone else.

“No,” Subaru replies, eventually. Death sounds... relaxing, in its way. Much calmer than living, and Subaru’s fairly certain he wouldn’t become a spirit or anything. He’d just move on easily; there’s nothing to tie him here, not unless Seishirou-

“I see,” Seishirou murmurs.

He probably doesn’t, Subaru thinks. “It sounds nice,” Subaru continues. “Dying sounds very peaceful. But getting there....” Subaru trails off. He can’t imagine dying if it’s not at Seishirou’s hand. What would be the point?

“You aren’t going to kill yourself, are you, Subaru-kun?” Seishirou asks, and once that question would have-

But now Subaru just looks at the floor and says, “You’re the only person allowed to kill me.”

 

Seishirou comes home.


End file.
